Saturday, 2 March 2013
learning to heal
I have written this post many times and never ever pushed that publish button but today i am going to. It can take an emotional day in your life for you to be pushed to share a little something from your heart for others to see. Someone might be going through the same and will take your words into their own life's and it might help them heal a little also. I needed to write this for a little closure. I hope you don't mind me sharing.
My mother had me at 18. Her and my father split shortly after and he wasn't around in my life when i was growing up. My mother re-married and had my brother and sister. It was a struggle in my life growing up and knowing that dad wasn't my birth father and a lot of my family weren't blood related. I would often wish so hard that i really belonged to those family members. I could hear so many "we love you's" and get so many hugs but i was always a sensitive person and no matter how much i didn't want to feel different, i did.
It was a hard thing to take in that my real father never wanted to know me or never got in touch or tried to find me. It did shape me as a person and made me quite paranoid and wary. I hardly talked about him or the situation. I sometimes asked my mother about him and if i was like him but that is all i would say. But i thought about it nearly every day. I was so lucky that my mum found someone who was willing to take me on as his daughter and that took a lot of the pain away but there was always that part that no one could ever heal. It is healed now though.
Last summer, i met my mum and sister in the town i grew up in. We had just met up in the square and were walking to get some lunch when my mum said "Keri-Anne, look!" I looked over and i knew instantly that my real father was walking in the same direction as us. He looked a lot older than the ripped up photos i have hidden in my memory box but i knew it was him. Mum called him and he came over. He didn't know who either us are were and then i felt this adrenaline kick in. I felt a huge rush of emotions and i just blurted out that i was his daughter. He looked utterly shocked and started walking away from me. I was ready there and then to just walk of, forget he ever existed and that, for me, was enough closure that i needed. He then came back and came straight up to my face. It was so surreal. I try and remember over and over what exact words were said. He said i had his eyes, he kissed me many times. It was like something out of the movies. Where everyone around us were in fast motion and we were just standing there with the world rushing by. I told him i was a photographer, he told me he was an artist. He liked to paint fairies. I like to photograph fairytales. It was like meeting me face to face. He just kept saying that he couldn't believe i was there and that he had finally found me. I felt no anger towards him. I just felt a glimmer of hope that we could build a relationship. He hugged the girls. He hugged me 100 times more. He gave me his phone number on a piece of paper and then we went our separate ways.
For days and days, all i could think about was that meeting and the numbers on that piece of paper in my purse. I had no clue what to do. I didn't want to get hurt. I just wanted to trust and put myself out on the line to be scooped up by him. I completely believed that he wanted me in his life. I decided to send him a text. It read:
"Hello, It's Keri-Anne. I haven't forgotten to call you. This is just scary and overwhelming. I tend to jump heart first into situations and i just need a little time. I hope that you would still want to meet me? I hope you are ok too xxx"
That was sent on the 6th of September and my reply? nothing. I thought i might be upset. I thought that the feeling of abandonment would come back but i look at my family and the people that really do love me and show me everyday that they care and that i do mean something to them and my heart and hurt has healed. I might have his eyes and his love for fairytales but it is my real family who have been through the darkest of times with me and picked me up when i didn't think i could ever get back up. They have told me i am beautiful when i didn't believe it and they have wiped my tears when they wouldn't stop fallen. I have realised that i don't need a strangers love or approval in my life.
That text message that he never sent was my closure. He said a thousand words with none at all and i am grateful for that day when i saw him because that part of my heart that felt lost still is now healed. I feel i have space to let in more love and that i have more love to give out.